Saturday

came to work..alone..
had breakfast in the canteen...alone...
no one in the office... so i work alone...

i badly need a break away!

Kelebihan Selawat ke atas Rasulullah saw

Rasulullah SAW telah bersabda (maksudnya) bahawa
"Malaikat Jibril, Mikail, Israfil dan Izrail (astws) telah berkata kepadaku :

Berkata Jibril AS - "Wahai Rasulullah SAW, barang siapa yang membaca selawat keatasmu setiap hari sebanyak sepuluh kali, maka akan aku bimbing tangannya dan membawanya melintasi titian seperti kilat menyambar".

Berkata Mikail AS - "Mereka yang berselawat keatas mu, akan aku memberi mereka minum dari telaga mu" Berkata Israfil AS - "Mereka yang berselawat keatas mu, akan aku sujud kepada Allah SWT dan aku tidak akan mengangkat kepalaku sehingga Allah SWT mengampuni orang itu"

Berkata Izrail AS - "Bagi mereka yang berselawat keatasmu, akan aku cabut ruh mereka itu dengan selembut-lembutnya seperti aku mencabut roh para anbia.

SubahanAllah...

Lone Ranger

Recently my husband is always away on work basis.. Last week he was away to KL.. then to KL again.. now he's in Bintulu...
I hardly spend time with him lately and i do miss him so much...
its either he's home at night or.. he's away...
I feel a bit lonely..

The new maid i have, well,i'm not that 'connected' with her yet..
not to mention the communication barrier we had between KL language.. and Indon Kalmantan..
I cant really share or let go my daily complaints or stories with her yet..
Even tho she smiles, but i know sometimes whatever i said might be something she doesnt understand much..
good respond tho.. but she's just doing it so it doesnt hurt my feelings...

As a chatterbox myself, its kinda frusterating...
I feel a bit lonely...

I miss my mom and how she always listen to me whenever i have those daily complaints or stories to share..
over dinner or in the kitchen..
or even while both of us watching TV together..

Friends? Well, most of them are in KL... i do have Syarina to talk with...
but talking over the phone and smsing is quite diferent compare to talking face-to-face, seeing the expression on the face...
ah.. frusterating..
I feel a bit lonely..

When i look at my son, i always feel pity and sorry for him as he doesnt have anyone to play with..
he used to enjoy having uncles and aunties to play around and 'totok' or 'papah' to bermanja...
look at him..
still young.. and already lonely...

Just by thinking about Diana's leaving Portrade.. I actually burst into tears one nite..
I realise that Diana is the only one i've been sharing my feeling the most...
A chatterbox to another chaterbox.. what a chemistry...
and to think of how boring my life could be later on in KPA..
I feel very lonely....

Suddenly i realise i have no one to turn to...
Ah.. life of a lone ranger in a stranger land...

Not forgetting me now as a preggo.. I feel that this pregnancy have no special feeling.. Way before when i was pregnant with Zharif...
everybody was showing their concern.. the attention and being spoilled a bit.. was actually kinda fun...
and always around with family and friends...

*sob* *sob*...

I'm lonely...
I wish i can just go home.....

Mama's Heart

When i was a child.. i used to love kids so much..
i take care of my lil' cousins and play around with them...
how adorable and cute they are..
I enjoyed telling them stories and just sit together with them watching the telly..

Kids.. who doesnt adore them? Espeacially when they say the darnest things and do cute stuff..

I always wanted my own kid.. to play with and to take care of...

Now, I'm a mother to Zharif.. and another one coming soon next year May.. I realised that kids aren't just about playing with and taking care of... ITS MORE THAN THAT!

Suddenly i became more sensetive.. more passionate..
and my heart becoming more tender than ever...
i learn a lot from just being a mom... the patient, the concern... oh! everything...

The moment i knew Zharif had some reflux problem few days after he was born.. i easily broke down and cry...
felt so useless.. and wish it was me who have this problem.... feel so sorry for the little bub..
yet i cant do much but pray...

the drama goes on.. as time passes by...
He have gone thru fever, cold, scratches, rashes, colic..
falls down and hit his head, bruises,
bengkak sana, bengkak sini....
and as always... i ended up panic, emotional, worried and kelam kabut....
yet...
to be there and see how Zharif grow up is always been a great journey...
the first smile.. the first laugh.. the first step.. his first food... all this 'first momento' of his life...
i was there... and i'm glad i didnt missed any...

and my heart.. grew more tender and stronger thru it...

As i mentioned before in my previous post.. i just got myself a new maid...
Its a relief to know that Zharif can accept her... and they can get along well...
Keep advising the maid, please take care of Zharif like ur own child.. dont let him play with small items, make sure the floor is dry, - in short, a save environment for Zharif..
and please play with him whenever he wants to...

Worried and yet i have to somehow learn to trust others... a split feeling..
... that i have to go thru as a working mom...

Just now, after my lunch break, when i was about to leave the house to work, he started to cry... "Mamaa.. nooo" and he hugged me so tight...
that i feel bad for leaving him with a stranger at home...

"Mama pergi keje k.. kejapp je... petang nanti Mama balik k... Zharif good boy kan?? kan??"
he noddd... as if understand what i'm saying...
"I love youuu zhariff... see you later ok?"
he nodded again, wiping his hingus away...
"yay yev yuu mama" ( i love you, mama)..
"byee..." he waved...

my heart crushed the moment i start the engine and reverse my car....
he started to cry again....
this time the maid hold him.. and carry him up...
i feel so hopeless... yet i have to move on..

oh the Mama drama...

Tired... mInd , Body and s0uL...

This morning i got down to canteen for breakfast ..alone... Had some Laksa Sarawak... and while i'm at it.. my other hand was busy smsing Diana, my officemate... whom i seems to be closed to lately... yeah.. did i mentioned that i'm kinda lone-ranger in this Kuching town?..

She smsed me.. good news.. and bad newss...
i cant bear the bad news.. she's quitting... of a better offer.. more into politics... huh.. and basically means leaving me.. alone...... in this office...

Suddenly i feel a big burden just landed on my shoulder... heavy tho.. but i kinda used to it before... and my feelings started to color-up to blue...

I'm tired...
Last september.. i got to know that i'm pregnant... I'm happy but bearing with all this pregnancy symptom i'm having..fatique, nausea and all.. i'm physicaaly tired...(not to mention grateful too)..
I cant pickup my son anymore.. i cant bear the 23 kgs toddler pressuring my abdoment..
and he's really active!
...tired...

Last October, hari raya.. eid mubarrak.. i let my maid go home to her village... and leaving me and my hubby taking care of zharif back in KL..

Tired? that's normal when u're travelling...

2 long weeks after.. we're back home...
back to office... overloading work awaits...

Tired? That's the price u pay when u take long vacation tho....

Later.. i found out that my maid which i have gave the freedoom to go back home and celebrates raya with her family.. celebrate toooooo much that she has gotten herself PREGNANT...

My husband and i took the immediate action.. send her back home the next day itself...
Had to take emergencvy unpaid leave and back to KL...
later got my mom followed me back tyo Kuching and get myself a new maid... train her and coach her again... and of course.. scared that zharif cant accept the maid...

Tired? yes, used to have maid around...

and now....
Diana's quitting...
There's only me and her tho handling Kuching Port Authority cases...
and we're still handfull with works..
......and to know that she's leaving... i feel some stress flowing into my nerves system...

Tired? just by imagining me handling the whole case alone... Yeah, who doesnt...

What's next?
Recruiting new worker.. and me giving training all over again like i used to give to Diana?
Tired? Hell yeah!!!!!!!!!!!

god help me please here....