Mama's Heart

When i was a child.. i used to love kids so much..
i take care of my lil' cousins and play around with them...
how adorable and cute they are..
I enjoyed telling them stories and just sit together with them watching the telly..

Kids.. who doesnt adore them? Espeacially when they say the darnest things and do cute stuff..

I always wanted my own kid.. to play with and to take care of...

Now, I'm a mother to Zharif.. and another one coming soon next year May.. I realised that kids aren't just about playing with and taking care of... ITS MORE THAN THAT!

Suddenly i became more sensetive.. more passionate..
and my heart becoming more tender than ever...
i learn a lot from just being a mom... the patient, the concern... oh! everything...

The moment i knew Zharif had some reflux problem few days after he was born.. i easily broke down and cry...
felt so useless.. and wish it was me who have this problem.... feel so sorry for the little bub..
yet i cant do much but pray...

the drama goes on.. as time passes by...
He have gone thru fever, cold, scratches, rashes, colic..
falls down and hit his head, bruises,
bengkak sana, bengkak sini....
and as always... i ended up panic, emotional, worried and kelam kabut....
yet...
to be there and see how Zharif grow up is always been a great journey...
the first smile.. the first laugh.. the first step.. his first food... all this 'first momento' of his life...
i was there... and i'm glad i didnt missed any...

and my heart.. grew more tender and stronger thru it...

As i mentioned before in my previous post.. i just got myself a new maid...
Its a relief to know that Zharif can accept her... and they can get along well...
Keep advising the maid, please take care of Zharif like ur own child.. dont let him play with small items, make sure the floor is dry, - in short, a save environment for Zharif..
and please play with him whenever he wants to...

Worried and yet i have to somehow learn to trust others... a split feeling..
... that i have to go thru as a working mom...

Just now, after my lunch break, when i was about to leave the house to work, he started to cry... "Mamaa.. nooo" and he hugged me so tight...
that i feel bad for leaving him with a stranger at home...

"Mama pergi keje k.. kejapp je... petang nanti Mama balik k... Zharif good boy kan?? kan??"
he noddd... as if understand what i'm saying...
"I love youuu zhariff... see you later ok?"
he nodded again, wiping his hingus away...
"yay yev yuu mama" ( i love you, mama)..
"byee..." he waved...

my heart crushed the moment i start the engine and reverse my car....
he started to cry again....
this time the maid hold him.. and carry him up...
i feel so hopeless... yet i have to move on..

oh the Mama drama...